Tuesday June 20th, 2023
Season 2 has finally ended and I feel relieved and also a bit lost. I’m not sure what to do with myself to be honest. I mean, don’t get me wrong I have plenty to do .There’s always something to do at home but the podcast is an escape for me. I think I’m beginning to realize how much I leaned into the podcast to distract me from my father’s unexpected death. I did grieve but I don’t think I really considered the true impact of his loss onto me until now. Now that I’m freed up per say. Now that I’m freed up and pacing around my life like some bored child at Sunday mass. I’m avoiding this thing with my Dad. We all celebrated Father’s Day a couple days ago and it somewhat dawned on me that he’s gone. He was never one to call me on special occasions let alone Father’s day but he would text. I used to hate that he would only send some simple and unintentional text but I would give everything to receive one from him right now. Even if it was just him telling me he’s ok.
Funny how things change.
For years I would invite my Dad for Father’s Day and he would come. And it was pretty much always me reaching out to him. I never got an invite really. There were times he would try to schedule things with me and my sisters but to be honest they weren’t many at his house. It was at a restaurant once. I remember another time he rented a room at the Eden. I guess he was trying but something never seemed genuine about any of it. Or maybe genuine isn’t the word I’m looking for but rather, inconsistent. My Dad was not good at really getting to know us, his kids,as adults. I feel every year we grew more distant with him. Personally, I interpreted this as he was never proud of where I was. I believe he had preferred me to be at a certain point in my life and maybe I just never got there in his eyes. I think that’s what made everything feel uncomfortable and inconsistent with my Dad. It was like I never fully received his blessing and I was fighting for approval even up until his last day alive. Hell, maybe even now as I type this. It’s actually quite sad.
Time is what I’m fighting for now in so many different ways. As I continue to contemplate my experience and life with my father I’m also understanding how valuable my time with my family is and trying to navigate this while not losing sight of everyone else around me can be such a sensitive dynamic. In all honesty I believe I’ll never fully honor my longing to understand my Dad out of fear of losing my family in the process and I can’t afford that. These are things I can hopefully, God willing, ponder as an old man with my wife, children and grandchildren around me.
Until then I need to park this and focus on the here and now.
Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, men’s mental health is rarely talked about especially the older generations. Their expectations were different: they were taught to be a foundation for family, a rock. And, as you know, rocks don’t really show emotions. Many of them are sharp and hard. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just who they were. I suspect your father had a lot of good things to say about you & to you, but he lacked the words to share. I’m sorry for your loss, but sharing your experience lets others know we are not alone in our journey. Thank you 😊
Thank you for the response John. I’m never really sure if anyone reads my blogs so I’m grateful to have read your comment. Peace and love my friend 🙏🏽